Just like most of your Facebook and Instagram friends I've been looking back at 2015 and evaluating what's gone on this year. 2015 was harder than I had imagined (I don't think we often imagine a hard upcoming year when talking about New Years resolutions), but it was incredibly rewarding as well. Learning more and more about myself is helping me become more self aware and self confidant. Not exactly the typical "I'm going to travel the world and find myself" year that would have been fun, but at least for now I haven't had much interest in traveling so finding myself from home works.
2015 started off with me being recently diagnosed with P.O.T.S. (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). I was doing better with being able to walk around the house and such but then went downhill for some reason that I can't quite remember. I'll spare you a long story about the day to day hardship of it all, especially because if you're reading this you may have followed my journey through this very blog, but simply put it got difficult. The good thing about it is that on most days I felt like it was all going to get better just around the corner, which is probably because this is a saying my mom has used for my entire life.
I recently realised two deeply conflicting thoughts that I have about health. First off is that I have, on numerous occasions, forgotten about being sick. I kid you not, I have woken up many a time and started going about my day just to be rudely interrupted by nausea and passing out. I've woken up on the floor of the bathroom completely baffled by passing out, the thought "but I'm not sick!" ringing through my head. Just the other day I tried to pull myself up onto the counter so my dad could wash my hair in the sink (thanks dad:) and ended up laughing so hard at how my arms quivered because I'm much weaker than I had anticipated. There was a time in my life were I was considerably strong, and though that time in comparison was brief I find myself identifying with it more than my weakened state that has been a larger part of my life. The second thought that contradicts the first is that a small part of me worries what my identity will be without sickness. The good part about that is I'm see a future where sickness won't be such a integral part of who I am but, the part I don't love admitting is that in the past it has been. Who will I be without sickness? It may seem silly to worry about but think about losing something about yourself, whether it be good or bad, doesn't it change things? I've been in a role of dependency, a role of only getting to live out parts of my whole self, a role of being a second class citizen to my body's rules. I hope that doesn't sound victimizing or 'oh pity me'. I just mean that there are these parts of who I am that have taken a backseat because of being in survival mode. It's exciting and also a little scary to dig deep into the messy backseat and find those pieces of myself.
This year I feel that I've grown a lot and learned more than I could've imagined. I've been able to reteach myself how to knit and enjoy countless hours of creativity. I've somehow ignited an excitement of learning, especially in the subject of history. I have a deeper testimony in Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father as I finished the Book of Mormon for the first time. I've come to understand my worth and importance on a deeper level. I have relearned how much I truly love writing and how doing it more is so beneficial to my mental well being. I have a greater appreciation for every good day, every good hour, and every good minute in my life. In short life is good:) So here's to a year of finding/loving/becoming my most authentic self! Bring it on 2016!
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