Grey Area

     My life has been all sorts of a roller coaster the past couple months.  I'm learning so much about myself though.  For example I found that I tend to process information in a very black or white, all or nothing kind of way.  The grey area is uncomfortable for me, its all that information that doesn't quite have specific place to be organized into, its not neat and tidy and it makes me crazy.  I'm also finding out that I am a walking contradiction of myself, along with every other person on this planet.  Contradictions bother me and so I've been rather at odds with myself.  Here is an example; A person is either well or sick.  See, on a logical level I completely disagree with that statement, but when I can't do things I associate with being well or I have to do things that I associate with being sick I feel like I can only be one of those things and for so long I've always been the latter.  So I'm wading through this middle ground, this no man's land and I can't label it.  I can't sort it into a specific place in my brain.  Logically, I know that's fine but at the same time there is this deep, sometimes irrational, need to SORT ALL THE THINGS!!
     So when people ask how I'm doing (the people who want to hear more than, "fine, how are you?") I'm not quite sure how to respond.  The truth is, physically I'm doing better and I'm incredibly proud of what I've accomplished recently, but it's...different? than I had imagined getting better to be.  I had envisioned a staircase that I would gradually ascend over time, occasionally stumbling and having to do some steps over again but all in all I would be going in one solid, defined direction.  Instead of that it's been more like the ebb and flow of the ocean.  Some high highs and in comparison some low lows.
     I realise that all of this confusion and grey area sounds like a negative, or maybe I just interpret it that way because its not a concrete settled thing, but I'm trying to make it a positive.  Who else has enough time on their hands to really delve within themselves and find out how to be more in tune with who they are?  To find their strengths and weaknesses and make them work to their advantage?  Not many people have the opportunity to do what I'm getting to do. 
     A very wise woman in my ward told me to "create evidence" that I'm getting better.  Which is just to say that I have a lot of evidence that I could tell you to prove that I am (or have been) so very ill, but instead of collecting that kind of proof to look at the things I'm able to do that I wasn't able to do before.  I've really liked keeping a list in my phone of the little things that many take for granted that I've been able to do recently.  It gives me a way to stop and think about the accomplish, remember it better and be grateful for it, however small it may be.  It also helps on bad days to look back at this list and remind myself that a bad day doesn't been I'll be sick forever because just look at what I was able to do other days.
     I mentioned this last post but one of my goals has been to go downstairs to watch Ellen at least a few times a week at first.  I've been pretty good about doing this, which not only makes me super proud of myself, it also motivated me to try to go up and down the stairs twice in one day!  Just this seemingly simple thing has opened my life up quite a bit, my world is now twice as big.  Proving to myself that I can do the stairs let me be more willing and able to do spontaneous fun things.  About a week ago I went on a drive with my dad and little brother to see all the Christmas lights in our neighborhood and surrounding ones as well.  It felt so festive and let me just focus on positive things.  Today my fun things were, putting on make up and painting my nails.  It proved a little difficult to sit up and put on make up and even though my heart rate jumped I was committed to finish.  It's nice to do differently things than just laying in bed.  I've also been working on Christmas presents and I just finished a Ken Burns on the Roosevelts, which was amazing.  If you're ever down and have about 10 hours to spare check it out on Netflix ;)
     So that's whats been going on in my life.  I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving and are enjoying a Merry Christmas season!