The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good:  When you have a chronic condition or your level of function is diminished good days are few and far between, but when you do have one you may, like me, have a tendency to over do it.  It has been weeks, even months, since I have been able to feel like I've accomplished anything of worth in a day, until about a week ago.  On Halloween both of my parents were at work and my younger siblings (18 year old sister and a 13 year old brother) had the day off of school due to parent teacher conferences.  I wanted my mom to come home to a clean house after her long day of work.  I have the desire to clean the house almost every day but my body hasn't let me.  I love to clean, it's soothing for me, it helps me distress and feel like at least there is something in my life that I can organize.  So on this Halloween day I felt that same desire to clean but this time I was feeling at least up to delegating chores to my siblings and cleaning the kitchen myself.  I made a list of jobs and even though I wasn't able to finish all of them and also passed out several times during the day, I felt accomplished.  I felt good, happy, useful and most of all hopeful that things were looking up.  I even curled my hair and put on make up!

The Bad:  So along with the high of having a good day there is the inevitable crash when things go back to "normal".  November 1st was that day.  I had had a day to feel semi functional and then it was taken away from me as I had worked myself too hard and tired myself out the day before.  Tears followed after trying to do the simplest of things, almost as if the hope of yesterday was torn out of my hands and replaced with reality.  On these days I find myself almost giving up.  Not so much giving up on life, but giving up on that day, along with a promise to myself to try again tomorrow.  Some days I lose the will to fight the never ending storm of trials that awaits me when I wake in the morning.  I tier of the fight and for that one day I lose the battle, but not the war.

The Ugly:  Another thing I've been dealing with this month is not feeling pretty.  Its hard to feel pretty when wear yoga pants and t-shirts with no make up everyday.  I know what you're thinking, just wear something else and put on make up.  The solution may not be that simple.  When you look in the mirror you expect to see a certain image of yourself but the reflection that looks back at me is almost a stranger.  She looks sad; with her darken circles around her eyes, and skin pale and yellowish instead of the olive color it used to be, and the complete lack of muscle from her body from not being able to run or work out.

     I've grown more accustom to this new version of myself, but I don't plan on getting used to it.  Today I'm not giving up.  I'm fighting for my right to having some quality of life.  I'm fighting for a future me that can clean, work, run and do whatever else I find out that I like to do.  That being said, I've struggled to come to a place where I know that I can not fix this alone and I may just have to let it be for now.  Its an overwhelming thought sometimes, but thats when I can turn to the lyrics of The Beatles and know that "there will be an answer, let it be".

Let It Be by The Beatles

Cover by Michelle Cutler