Steps to Progression

I wanted to write this posted days ago but as usual my health gets in the way.  I know I touched on the subject in my last post so I didn’t want to bring it up again.  But then I thought, when in life do we just deal with something once?  When do we ever get to just feel a feeling, check it off our list and be done with it?  Never.  I have to deal with the pain and sadness that comes with being held back.  I have to deal with it everyday.  I have to deal with learning that some days, no matter how hard I push myself or want it, I just can’t physically or mentally do the things I would so like to do.  I love writing; it’s relaxing for me.  Since it is a release and a relaxation for me I feel like I should be able to do it any time I like.  But then I have days when I try and the words don’t come so easily and it turns from a release to a homework assignment. 

            Let me be very clear that I don’t say this for pity.  Yes, there are things I can’t currently do, but with that comes a gift.  You see, when I do something that I haven’t been able to do for months at a time there is this overwhelming sense of joy that I can not quite explain.  To give you a clear example I’ll tell you the story I wanted to post a few days ago.

            For those of you who don’t know my situation very well here’s the short version; I pass out basically every time I stand up and have been bedridden since February/March.  I live on the second floor, which means a large staircase is between me and being a part of the fun that goes on in the house.  To my families credit they have moved all the games, movie nights, and get togethers to my room so I can be included.  Anyway, the staircase has become this huge hurtle to get over, literally.  Even going down is very difficult.  But on June 20^th, 2015; after approximately five months confined by my illness to my room; I ventured down the stairs.  I sat in the wheelchair in the front doorway and breathed the summer night air.  I had been craving fresh air on my face and I guess I got so stir crazy, because as I sat there I felt tears in my eyes.  I was going to be okay.  I could be happy.  I could let go for just a moment and relax instead of white knuckling my life.  I felt the sweet joy sweep over me and I wished everyone could feel what I felt when the warm breeze hit my face.

            I stayed downstairs in the wheelchair and laid on the floor for about an hour, I would guess.  I even had a P.O.T.S. episode when our dog barked from outside because he wanted to be in on the fun.  I jumped out of my skin when he barked and my heart raced but I recovered surprisingly well.  So it wasn’t all easy, breezy or beautiful (cover girl haha), actually it was very difficult to stay sitting up in the wheelchair and walking down the stairs, not to mention getting back up.  But it was worth it.  So worth it, I worked hard and was gifted with overwhelming joy and a sense of freedom.

            After Saturday things got hard again and I got sad, but I had that joy to hold onto.  I wish everyone could feel that joy in everyday things.  How amazing would it be if we took less for granted and felt the joy of just being?  I could obviously work on that some more because even on a bad day there are at least small things that I can do.  That’s my goal this week; focus on the things I can do, acknowledge them, think about what life would be without them and then be grateful for that ability, however small it may be.  That’s my goal, what is yours?