Just like most of your Facebook and Instagram friends I've been looking back at 2015 and evaluating what's gone on this year. 2015 was harder than I had imagined (I don't think we often imagine a hard upcoming year when talking about New Years resolutions), but it was incredibly rewarding as well. Learning more and more about myself is helping me become more self aware and self confidant. Not exactly the typical "I'm going to travel the world and find myself" year that would have been fun, but at least for now I haven't had much interest in traveling so finding myself from home works.
2015 started off with me being recently diagnosed with P.O.T.S. (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). I was doing better with being able to walk around the house and such but then went downhill for some reason that I can't quite remember. I'll spare you a long story about the day to day hardship of it all, especially because if you're reading this you may have followed my journey through this very blog, but simply put it got difficult. The good thing about it is that on most days I felt like it was all going to get better just around the corner, which is probably because this is a saying my mom has used for my entire life.
I recently realised two deeply conflicting thoughts that I have about health. First off is that I have, on numerous occasions, forgotten about being sick. I kid you not, I have woken up many a time and started going about my day just to be rudely interrupted by nausea and passing out. I've woken up on the floor of the bathroom completely baffled by passing out, the thought "but I'm not sick!" ringing through my head. Just the other day I tried to pull myself up onto the counter so my dad could wash my hair in the sink (thanks dad:) and ended up laughing so hard at how my arms quivered because I'm much weaker than I had anticipated. There was a time in my life were I was considerably strong, and though that time in comparison was brief I find myself identifying with it more than my weakened state that has been a larger part of my life. The second thought that contradicts the first is that a small part of me worries what my identity will be without sickness. The good part about that is I'm see a future where sickness won't be such a integral part of who I am but, the part I don't love admitting is that in the past it has been. Who will I be without sickness? It may seem silly to worry about but think about losing something about yourself, whether it be good or bad, doesn't it change things? I've been in a role of dependency, a role of only getting to live out parts of my whole self, a role of being a second class citizen to my body's rules. I hope that doesn't sound victimizing or 'oh pity me'. I just mean that there are these parts of who I am that have taken a backseat because of being in survival mode. It's exciting and also a little scary to dig deep into the messy backseat and find those pieces of myself.
This year I feel that I've grown a lot and learned more than I could've imagined. I've been able to reteach myself how to knit and enjoy countless hours of creativity. I've somehow ignited an excitement of learning, especially in the subject of history. I have a deeper testimony in Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father as I finished the Book of Mormon for the first time. I've come to understand my worth and importance on a deeper level. I have relearned how much I truly love writing and how doing it more is so beneficial to my mental well being. I have a greater appreciation for every good day, every good hour, and every good minute in my life. In short life is good:) So here's to a year of finding/loving/becoming my most authentic self! Bring it on 2016!
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Saturday, December 26, 2015
T'was a Merry Little Christmas
If you've been following my blog posts in the last few months you'll know that I'm doing much better, it's amazing what retraining your brain will do (NueroFeedback). Thanks to my motivation to watch Ellen almost everyday I've been going downstairs more, even more than once daily somedays:) The past two Sundays I've been able to go to church which I haven't been able to do in about a year. To be honest I was more nervous than I care to admit to do all the socializing that comes with going to church, but it went so well and it was lovely to see all the amazing in my ward who I know have been praying for me. After the first time back I was excited to go back, especially in my new dress.
This year my grandparents on my mothers side were here for the days leading up to the 25th and Christmas Eve for the first time in years. I was so glad to have them around and celebrate with them. My grandpa and I share a really special bond. Maybe it's because whenever we visited his farm as kids I would help him with chores and with the horses, or maybe its because I was crazy enough to get on a horse that hadn't been ridden and got myself bucked off, proving my "spunkiness". No matter the reason, my grandpa and I are very close so when I asked for a Priesthood blessing he gladly obliged. After an amazing blessing I looked up to see tears in my grandpa's eyes, my tough, cowboy, John Wayne loving, 88 year old grandpa who I have only seen cry twice in my life before. Obviously I was crying too as I was able to stand and give my grandpa a hug. Its been years since I've been able to hug him or anyone else while standing. I've found that everyone is shorter than I expected. I stayed up late not because I was too sick to sleep but because I was so well and I didn't want to miss out on it for a second.
On Christmas Eve we always open one present, as many other families do. I had been very sneaky this year about my gifts to my parents and I was so proud of myself. My dad has these 30 year old slippers that my mom's grandma made for him when they were first married. My mom had several pairs of the same slippers over the years but she wore through them faster. My dad's are pretty destroyed but he still wears them. So my mom suggested that I knit him another pair and then in an entirely different conversation my dad suggested that I knit some of the same slippers for my mom. So I proceeded to knit these slippers and keep them a secret from both parents, which was not easy seeing as we all live under the same roof. So I knitted dad's in a cherry red (the same as the ones he had before) while he was at work and mom's in a deep purple in the hours that she was working in the other room from home. I also knitted most of my other gifts that I gave out; a warm headband with a bow for my sister, a beanie for my brother and pair of elf inspired slippers for my sister. For my little brother I got a Good Mythical Morning t-shirt because there wasn't anything much to knit that he would use. When I finished all this knitting I realised that I still had a few weeks until Christmas so I went on to knit another pair of slippers for myself. I wrapped them up and opened them on Christmas Eve after my parents opened theirs first. Normally I wouldn't give myself a present, obviously, but I wanted to wear them on Christmas morning:) Both my mom and my dad were completely surprised and very happy with the slippers. And the other plus was that my grandparents were there to see the slippers inspired by my grandpa's mother, they were pretty surprised by them too. Here's some pictures of mom's slippers and mine as well:
I also had time to make some other stuff as well. I've been making baby booties for awhile so I thought I'd try other baby things because they're easy and quick, so I did some newborn hats, followed by this softie:
After that I went a little further and did a couple baby sweaters! I really like how they turned out, though I'm not quite finished. I still need to add buttons, otherwise those button holes I knitted in them would be a waste. I'm also debating whether or not to add pockets on the beige one...
Lastly I started a baby blanket on the Friday before Christmas and had it done by Tuesday! This picture doesn't really display its size but I think its quite a bit of knitting for 5 days. When it is all laid out it looks like it has some stripes because some rows of the stitches are small and some rows are larger. I tied it up with a red ribbon and will probably keep it in my cedar chest.
This year my grandparents on my mothers side were here for the days leading up to the 25th and Christmas Eve for the first time in years. I was so glad to have them around and celebrate with them. My grandpa and I share a really special bond. Maybe it's because whenever we visited his farm as kids I would help him with chores and with the horses, or maybe its because I was crazy enough to get on a horse that hadn't been ridden and got myself bucked off, proving my "spunkiness". No matter the reason, my grandpa and I are very close so when I asked for a Priesthood blessing he gladly obliged. After an amazing blessing I looked up to see tears in my grandpa's eyes, my tough, cowboy, John Wayne loving, 88 year old grandpa who I have only seen cry twice in my life before. Obviously I was crying too as I was able to stand and give my grandpa a hug. Its been years since I've been able to hug him or anyone else while standing. I've found that everyone is shorter than I expected. I stayed up late not because I was too sick to sleep but because I was so well and I didn't want to miss out on it for a second.
On Christmas Eve we always open one present, as many other families do. I had been very sneaky this year about my gifts to my parents and I was so proud of myself. My dad has these 30 year old slippers that my mom's grandma made for him when they were first married. My mom had several pairs of the same slippers over the years but she wore through them faster. My dad's are pretty destroyed but he still wears them. So my mom suggested that I knit him another pair and then in an entirely different conversation my dad suggested that I knit some of the same slippers for my mom. So I proceeded to knit these slippers and keep them a secret from both parents, which was not easy seeing as we all live under the same roof. So I knitted dad's in a cherry red (the same as the ones he had before) while he was at work and mom's in a deep purple in the hours that she was working in the other room from home. I also knitted most of my other gifts that I gave out; a warm headband with a bow for my sister, a beanie for my brother and pair of elf inspired slippers for my sister. For my little brother I got a Good Mythical Morning t-shirt because there wasn't anything much to knit that he would use. When I finished all this knitting I realised that I still had a few weeks until Christmas so I went on to knit another pair of slippers for myself. I wrapped them up and opened them on Christmas Eve after my parents opened theirs first. Normally I wouldn't give myself a present, obviously, but I wanted to wear them on Christmas morning:) Both my mom and my dad were completely surprised and very happy with the slippers. And the other plus was that my grandparents were there to see the slippers inspired by my grandpa's mother, they were pretty surprised by them too. Here's some pictures of mom's slippers and mine as well:
I also had time to make some other stuff as well. I've been making baby booties for awhile so I thought I'd try other baby things because they're easy and quick, so I did some newborn hats, followed by this softie:
After that I went a little further and did a couple baby sweaters! I really like how they turned out, though I'm not quite finished. I still need to add buttons, otherwise those button holes I knitted in them would be a waste. I'm also debating whether or not to add pockets on the beige one...
Lastly I started a baby blanket on the Friday before Christmas and had it done by Tuesday! This picture doesn't really display its size but I think its quite a bit of knitting for 5 days. When it is all laid out it looks like it has some stripes because some rows of the stitches are small and some rows are larger. I tied it up with a red ribbon and will probably keep it in my cedar chest.
Having grandparents visit, all my siblings including my brother home from Boston and extended family from my dad's side all close by makes it feel so festive! I've already started using some of the gifts I got, and I'm excited for the others. For example I'm typing this on my new laptop (Santa and I went halvsies on a black Friday deal:), listening to Justin Beiber's new album (haters gonna hate...but don't because he's making some great music right now), while breathing in the lovely lavender mist from the oil diffuser I got. All in all it was a very Merry Little Christmas:)
Monday, December 7, 2015
Grey Area
My life has been all sorts of a roller coaster the past couple months. I'm learning so much about myself though. For example I found that I tend to process information in a very black or white, all or nothing kind of way. The grey area is uncomfortable for me, its all that information that doesn't quite have specific place to be organized into, its not neat and tidy and it makes me crazy. I'm also finding out that I am a walking contradiction of myself, along with every other person on this planet. Contradictions bother me and so I've been rather at odds with myself. Here is an example; A person is either well or sick. See, on a logical level I completely disagree with that statement, but when I can't do things I associate with being well or I have to do things that I associate with being sick I feel like I can only be one of those things and for so long I've always been the latter. So I'm wading through this middle ground, this no man's land and I can't label it. I can't sort it into a specific place in my brain. Logically, I know that's fine but at the same time there is this deep, sometimes irrational, need to SORT ALL THE THINGS!!
So when people ask how I'm doing (the people who want to hear more than, "fine, how are you?") I'm not quite sure how to respond. The truth is, physically I'm doing better and I'm incredibly proud of what I've accomplished recently, but it's...different? than I had imagined getting better to be. I had envisioned a staircase that I would gradually ascend over time, occasionally stumbling and having to do some steps over again but all in all I would be going in one solid, defined direction. Instead of that it's been more like the ebb and flow of the ocean. Some high highs and in comparison some low lows.
I realise that all of this confusion and grey area sounds like a negative, or maybe I just interpret it that way because its not a concrete settled thing, but I'm trying to make it a positive. Who else has enough time on their hands to really delve within themselves and find out how to be more in tune with who they are? To find their strengths and weaknesses and make them work to their advantage? Not many people have the opportunity to do what I'm getting to do.
A very wise woman in my ward told me to "create evidence" that I'm getting better. Which is just to say that I have a lot of evidence that I could tell you to prove that I am (or have been) so very ill, but instead of collecting that kind of proof to look at the things I'm able to do that I wasn't able to do before. I've really liked keeping a list in my phone of the little things that many take for granted that I've been able to do recently. It gives me a way to stop and think about the accomplish, remember it better and be grateful for it, however small it may be. It also helps on bad days to look back at this list and remind myself that a bad day doesn't been I'll be sick forever because just look at what I was able to do other days.
I mentioned this last post but one of my goals has been to go downstairs to watch Ellen at least a few times a week at first. I've been pretty good about doing this, which not only makes me super proud of myself, it also motivated me to try to go up and down the stairs twice in one day! Just this seemingly simple thing has opened my life up quite a bit, my world is now twice as big. Proving to myself that I can do the stairs let me be more willing and able to do spontaneous fun things. About a week ago I went on a drive with my dad and little brother to see all the Christmas lights in our neighborhood and surrounding ones as well. It felt so festive and let me just focus on positive things. Today my fun things were, putting on make up and painting my nails. It proved a little difficult to sit up and put on make up and even though my heart rate jumped I was committed to finish. It's nice to do differently things than just laying in bed. I've also been working on Christmas presents and I just finished a Ken Burns on the Roosevelts, which was amazing. If you're ever down and have about 10 hours to spare check it out on Netflix ;)
So that's whats been going on in my life. I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving and are enjoying a Merry Christmas season!
So when people ask how I'm doing (the people who want to hear more than, "fine, how are you?") I'm not quite sure how to respond. The truth is, physically I'm doing better and I'm incredibly proud of what I've accomplished recently, but it's...different? than I had imagined getting better to be. I had envisioned a staircase that I would gradually ascend over time, occasionally stumbling and having to do some steps over again but all in all I would be going in one solid, defined direction. Instead of that it's been more like the ebb and flow of the ocean. Some high highs and in comparison some low lows.
I realise that all of this confusion and grey area sounds like a negative, or maybe I just interpret it that way because its not a concrete settled thing, but I'm trying to make it a positive. Who else has enough time on their hands to really delve within themselves and find out how to be more in tune with who they are? To find their strengths and weaknesses and make them work to their advantage? Not many people have the opportunity to do what I'm getting to do.
A very wise woman in my ward told me to "create evidence" that I'm getting better. Which is just to say that I have a lot of evidence that I could tell you to prove that I am (or have been) so very ill, but instead of collecting that kind of proof to look at the things I'm able to do that I wasn't able to do before. I've really liked keeping a list in my phone of the little things that many take for granted that I've been able to do recently. It gives me a way to stop and think about the accomplish, remember it better and be grateful for it, however small it may be. It also helps on bad days to look back at this list and remind myself that a bad day doesn't been I'll be sick forever because just look at what I was able to do other days.
I mentioned this last post but one of my goals has been to go downstairs to watch Ellen at least a few times a week at first. I've been pretty good about doing this, which not only makes me super proud of myself, it also motivated me to try to go up and down the stairs twice in one day! Just this seemingly simple thing has opened my life up quite a bit, my world is now twice as big. Proving to myself that I can do the stairs let me be more willing and able to do spontaneous fun things. About a week ago I went on a drive with my dad and little brother to see all the Christmas lights in our neighborhood and surrounding ones as well. It felt so festive and let me just focus on positive things. Today my fun things were, putting on make up and painting my nails. It proved a little difficult to sit up and put on make up and even though my heart rate jumped I was committed to finish. It's nice to do differently things than just laying in bed. I've also been working on Christmas presents and I just finished a Ken Burns on the Roosevelts, which was amazing. If you're ever down and have about 10 hours to spare check it out on Netflix ;)
So that's whats been going on in my life. I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving and are enjoying a Merry Christmas season!
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