Fear

         This month I’ve been focusing on fear, and although that doesn’t sound positive, the outcome has been.  It kind of happened by accident, I was talking to my mother and I was getting more and more frustrated about my life I just started to cry and ramble.  It was then that I realized that I had at least a decade of pent up fear that I was holding onto, just clenching onto it and refusing to feel it.  Maybe all the pressure of bottling it up made me burst or maybe I got nervous about something else and it was the last straw.  No matter what brought it on I was finally “allowed” to admit to how scared I always am.  I say “allow” because for over ten years I told myself that the fear wasn’t helpful and that if I looked or acted afraid no doctor would take me seriously. 

            Its not that that feeling came out of no where, I had already spent years trying to be diagnosed and more often then not they would tell me that it was just anxiety.  Hearing that over and over again was frustrating not only because there is no such thing as “just anxiety”, it’s a real thing that needs to be taken seriously, but also because I knew anxiety wasn’t making me pass out or get so sick.  So every time I went to the doctor or even talked to people in general I ended up hiding the fear, like it was a crime to be scared.  I was so determined to be listened to that I stopped listening to myself; I shoved those fears down because I was too busy trying to be okay.  Having this condition has put me in some scary, and I would even go as far as saying traumatic, situations.  I some what described my most traumatic event in my post called Type 2 and I’m still dealing with all that fear.  But the reason I say that the outcome of this has been positive is because I let some of the fear out and now I’m aware that its there.  There are people or doctors who would say that the fear was keeping me sick and passing out but I just don’t have to care anymore.  Dealing with the fear is part of the healing because I have spent so much energy keeping that fear buried.  Even if I was doing it subconsciously it still has taken so much energy that I could’ve been using to get better.

            Since my realization I’ve been working on handing the fear over to God.  We really don’t have much control over what happens to us in life so hanging onto that sense of control creates frustration and fear.  By letting go, giving God the fear and trusting in Him to make things okay no matter what happens, I became liberated.  For me its God that has helped me get over this hurtle and I am so grateful to be working on the next step in my life.  I have so much extra energy that I’ve put into being creative and feeling alive.  I’ve started knitting baby booties just for fun (and they’ll make good future baby shower gifts).  My mom also bought me a bed bike, which is basically just a stand with pedals that you can set on your bed and cycle while laying down.  I haven’t used it yet but with my new found energy I feel like I can actually do it now.  The exercise is supposed to help P.O.T.S, so here’s hoping!