Steps to Progression

I wanted to write this posted days ago but as usual my health gets in the way.  I know I touched on the subject in my last post so I didn’t want to bring it up again.  But then I thought, when in life do we just deal with something once?  When do we ever get to just feel a feeling, check it off our list and be done with it?  Never.  I have to deal with the pain and sadness that comes with being held back.  I have to deal with it everyday.  I have to deal with learning that some days, no matter how hard I push myself or want it, I just can’t physically or mentally do the things I would so like to do.  I love writing; it’s relaxing for me.  Since it is a release and a relaxation for me I feel like I should be able to do it any time I like.  But then I have days when I try and the words don’t come so easily and it turns from a release to a homework assignment. 

            Let me be very clear that I don’t say this for pity.  Yes, there are things I can’t currently do, but with that comes a gift.  You see, when I do something that I haven’t been able to do for months at a time there is this overwhelming sense of joy that I can not quite explain.  To give you a clear example I’ll tell you the story I wanted to post a few days ago.

            For those of you who don’t know my situation very well here’s the short version; I pass out basically every time I stand up and have been bedridden since February/March.  I live on the second floor, which means a large staircase is between me and being a part of the fun that goes on in the house.  To my families credit they have moved all the games, movie nights, and get togethers to my room so I can be included.  Anyway, the staircase has become this huge hurtle to get over, literally.  Even going down is very difficult.  But on June 20^th, 2015; after approximately five months confined by my illness to my room; I ventured down the stairs.  I sat in the wheelchair in the front doorway and breathed the summer night air.  I had been craving fresh air on my face and I guess I got so stir crazy, because as I sat there I felt tears in my eyes.  I was going to be okay.  I could be happy.  I could let go for just a moment and relax instead of white knuckling my life.  I felt the sweet joy sweep over me and I wished everyone could feel what I felt when the warm breeze hit my face.

            I stayed downstairs in the wheelchair and laid on the floor for about an hour, I would guess.  I even had a P.O.T.S. episode when our dog barked from outside because he wanted to be in on the fun.  I jumped out of my skin when he barked and my heart raced but I recovered surprisingly well.  So it wasn’t all easy, breezy or beautiful (cover girl haha), actually it was very difficult to stay sitting up in the wheelchair and walking down the stairs, not to mention getting back up.  But it was worth it.  So worth it, I worked hard and was gifted with overwhelming joy and a sense of freedom.

            After Saturday things got hard again and I got sad, but I had that joy to hold onto.  I wish everyone could feel that joy in everyday things.  How amazing would it be if we took less for granted and felt the joy of just being?  I could obviously work on that some more because even on a bad day there are at least small things that I can do.  That’s my goal this week; focus on the things I can do, acknowledge them, think about what life would be without them and then be grateful for that ability, however small it may be.  That’s my goal, what is yours?

Honest Truths

            I’ve been wanting to post for a couple weeks now but I either didn’t quite know what to write about or I was too sick.  I tossed around the idea about reviewing the Dick Van Dyke Show, which I do suggest you watch if you haven’t.  Though I have thoroughly enjoyed watching countless hours of Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore’s funny antics I didn’t think that merited a whole post.  Plus I talked about Netflix shows a couple weeks ago.  Then something happened, I walked down three whole steps of our staircase.  Though this may seem anticlimactic to most people, it was huge for me.  I started with three, then four, then five and then six, which happens to be half way down the staircase.  I could see the kitchen!  The main floor of my house still exists haha!  For all I know, after months of being confined to my room and upstairs in general, the main floor could’ve blown away.  Even though I was descending the stairs I was on top of the world!  I had been taking some supplements and it felt like we finally found a set up that was pushing me in the right direction.

            So why didn’t I post about this success as it came you may ask?  Well mostly because it disappeared as quickly as it came on.  See I have a condition that makes me metabolize things incorrectly, I think I’ve mentioned it before.  Like clock work after taking something daily for 4 days I start to feel weird and start having more POTS symptoms.  Something that was helping just the day before is now my enemy.

            This is far from the first time something hasn’t worked, its happened so many times but this time I broke.  I broke into a thousand pieces because for one second things were ok and I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.  Its sad how easily hope can drain and be replaced with despair.  I didn’t feel well physically or emotionally and I didn’t want to write about it either.  I’ve gone back and forth about if and how to write this post.  On one hand I don’t want to be a downer and be pitied for my life, nor do I want to sugar coat it and say that I’m okay and that there’s a bigger plan and all that stuff.  While it is true that there is a bigger plan, I sure don’t know it and I don’t know if I’m okay with how it’s going currently.  I figured the only way to address this post was to just be honest.  And honestly, it’s so hard, maybe harder than I can handle.  I don’t even have a clear plan for what to do next to help myself.

            So until I figure out my next step I’m going to read Calvin and Hobbes, disappearing into a world where the conundrums are more about what kind of snowman monsters to make and hiding from Calvin’s evil bicycle (if you haven’t read Calvin and Hobbes I recommend…nay I insist that you check it out).  Because as hard as life is, somewhere deep (currently VERY deep) down inside I somehow know things will be okay.  I can’t explain it, I just know, but I often forget so writing this down reminds me.