This month I’ve been focusing on fear, and although that
doesn’t sound positive, the outcome has been.
It kind of happened by accident, I was talking to my mother and I was
getting more and more frustrated about my life I just started to cry and
ramble. It was then that I realized that
I had at least a decade of pent up fear that I was holding onto, just clenching
onto it and refusing to feel it. Maybe
all the pressure of bottling it up made me burst or maybe I got nervous about
something else and it was the last straw.
No matter what brought it on I was finally “allowed” to admit to how
scared I always am. I say “allow”
because for over ten years I told myself that the fear wasn’t helpful and that
if I looked or acted afraid no doctor would take me seriously.
Its not
that that feeling came out of no where, I had already spent years trying to be
diagnosed and more often then not they would tell me that it was just
anxiety. Hearing that over and over
again was frustrating not only because there is no such thing as “just
anxiety”, it’s a real thing that needs to be taken seriously, but also because
I knew anxiety wasn’t making me pass out or get so sick. So every time I went to the doctor or even
talked to people in general I ended up hiding the fear, like it was a crime to
be scared. I was so determined to be
listened to that I stopped listening to myself; I shoved those fears down
because I was too busy trying to be okay. Having this condition has put me in some scary,
and I would even go as far as saying traumatic, situations. I some what described my most traumatic event
in my post called Type 2 and I’m
still dealing with all that fear. But
the reason I say that the outcome of this has been positive is because I let
some of the fear out and now I’m aware that its there. There are people or doctors who would say
that the fear was keeping me sick and passing out but I just don’t have to care
anymore. Dealing with the fear is part
of the healing because I have spent so much energy keeping that fear
buried. Even if I was doing it
subconsciously it still has taken so much energy that I could’ve been using to
get better.
Since my
realization I’ve been working on handing the fear over to God. We really don’t have much control over what
happens to us in life so hanging onto that sense of control creates frustration
and fear. By letting go, giving God the
fear and trusting in Him to make things okay no matter what happens, I became
liberated. For me its God that has
helped me get over this hurtle and I am so grateful to be working on the next
step in my life. I have so much extra
energy that I’ve put into being creative and feeling alive. I’ve started knitting baby booties just for
fun (and they’ll make good future baby shower gifts). My mom also bought me a bed bike, which is
basically just a stand with pedals that you can set on your bed and cycle
while laying down. I haven’t used it yet
but with my new found energy I feel like I can actually do it now. The exercise is supposed to help P.O.T.S, so
here’s hoping!
