A Mishmash of a week

          Not too much has happened this week except an overall relief that my anxiety hasn’t been so bad.  I know what you’re probably thinking, “Well if your anxiety is better then maybe the rest of it is in your head too”.  If you didn’t jump to this conclusion, everyone who has a chronic illness thanks you.  Just imagine if your body was a ticking time bomb capable of passing out, going into shock and ruining your day at any moment.  Wouldn’t you become just a little nervous?  Sometimes the anxiety is not so bad and I feel empowered, like I can handle my life.  Other times it takes over everything, and I feel completely overwhelmed.  Having said all that, my point is that this week I don’t feel crushed by anxiety and it’s a huge relief.  It is so much easier to enjoy things, which brings me to what I had originally planned to write about, entertainment.

            A couple days ago I got the sweetest care package from my friend Janelle.  It had the newest Weepies album and a shirt with The Weepies lyrics on it.  It’s always exciting to get mail but it’s even better when it’s something you’ve really been wanting!  I made the mistake of putting the CD in late at night so I fell asleep for part of it but what I heard I loved.  I’m hoping that when I am able to play the guitar/sing again to do a cover of one of the songs.

            As for movie entertainment it has been kind of a weird mishmash of things this week.  Consider that I have a lot of time on my hands and I’ve already watched a lot of things.  Also keep in mind that anything, exciting, suspenseful, or scary is out.  I’d rather not raise my heart rate and pass out because I picked the wrong show.  I’ve also found this week that I’m over having every show have something dirty in it, I really don’t want to drive away the spirit when the spirit has done only good things for me.  As you can see with all of these parameters that narrows down my options and I’m left with some of my childish guilty pleasures, along with some other things.

Teen Beach Movie:  Now before you judge this musical Disney Channel Original Movie just remember when High School Musical came out and how much you loved (or maybe how much you currently love) it.  Teen Beach Movie may be lacking in creativity in the title department but it makes up for it in musical numbers and costumes.  Based loosely on the fun beach movies of the 1960’s, the plot involves modern day Mack and Brady getting sucked into their favorite retro musical “Wet Side Story” (like I said, they’re not very creative with titles).   The couple accidently messes up the storyline and they have to sing their way to get the story back on track in order to get home.  Cheesy?  Yes.  Fabulous?  Also yes;)

12 Dates of Christmas:  Just think “Groundhog’s Day” with less Bill Murray and more Christmas.  The premise is that Kate relives the same blind date on Christmas Eve 12 times until she falls in love with him.  There are so many inconsistencies and plot holes but the fun part is that with each date there’s a hidden part of the 12 Days Of Christmas song. For example, on the tenth day you can see a kid with a team named Lords and the number 10 on his hoodie leaping over some boxes.  Some of the other parts of the song are more obvious but I had to watch the whole thing with my little brother so he could help me find them all.

            So there’s 2 of my current guilty pleasures but I’ve also been re-watching Parks and Recreation, along with some Planet Earth and a Cosby show spin off called A Different World.  I don’t know how long I’ll stick with the last one because I read ahead on IMDB and found out that Denise (the main character) is only in the first season out of six.  What is that?  How can you continue a show without some of the leading characters?  I’ll probably watch it out of pure curiousity…  

Christmas?

            “I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I neeed…” Mariah Carey belts out as I sit here typing out my pent up frustrations into words.  No it’s not Christmas, its not even December, its May.  So why am I listening to Christmas Carols you may ask?  Well have you ever listened to hip-hop while you work out?  Or sad music when you have a break up?  Music creates emotional responses and sometimes I use it to counteract negative ones.  Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, people are happy and kind and there is something to look forward to.  Most of the time life is not so magical and kind.

            Currently life has knocked me down and is doing its best to keep me there.  My body doesn’t function like others do.  My autonomic nervous system doesn’t work properly.  Your autonomic nervous system controls all the functions of your body that you don’t have to think about, they just happen.  For me my blood doesn’t circulate correctly, my heart will suddenly hurt and race.  My muscles and joints ache and there is an all over pain that I can’t quite put my finger on.  I get sick when I eat and sometimes I have random allergic reaction to things that I didn’t have any trouble with the day before.  Most of all I pass out so often that for the past two months I’ve been bedridden.  I have a syndrome called P.O.T.S. (postural orthostatic tacacardia syndrome).  My syndrome is actually not as rare as it may sound, but so little is known about it that many people go undiagnosed and the few of us who do get diagnosed usually spend years waiting for answers not to mention many doctors telling us we are crazy.  After all that there isn’t much that doctors can do for POTS patients.  There are some medications called Beta-blockers that can help with keeping your heart from racing.  These medications seem to help to some degree with most patients but it’s far from a cure.  So if you’re lucky you get diagnosed, start taking meds and get better enough to grin and bare it, you may even be lucky enough to hold down a job or go to college.  Some aren’t so lucky.  I guess after 21 years I had grinned and dealt with it for too long.  I’ve had the symptoms since I was 18 months old and they’ve only worsened through the years.  I wasn’t diagnosed until about six months ago but my mother (a registered nurse) had told me when I was about 12 that she was sure I had POTS.  Smart mom, right?  Too bad it took about a decade of failed doctors appointments and hospitalizations for someone to figure out what mom already knew.  I really didn’t want this diagnose though, because I had done enough research about POTS to know that there wasn’t much to be done about it.  Little did I know getting help would be harder for me than most other POTSies.  I also happen to have a condition where I don’t metabolize certain medication correctly, so if I take the meds that are on the list of no no’s the drugs will build up in my system and become toxic.  Unfortunately all beta blockers are on that list, which explains why when I had taken them in the past they would work for 4 days and then I would start passing out more.

            Dealing with all this on a 24/7 basis can be incredibly frustrating.  It takes over my life and dictates everything.  I can’t make plans, I can’t do much more than distract myself from the pain and discomfort.  Sometimes it feels dark and hopeless and like nothing good is going to happen.  So to counteract those feelings I listen to my favorite Christmas carols from childhood and it takes me back to a place where I can remember that my life has been good and worth living.  Even though I feel incapable to the task at hand and wonder why I even have to endure it, I remember that it won’t always be this way.  And if Christ can come to the earth and be laid in a manger and suffer not only for our sins but our afflictions, our pains, our aches, our self doubt, our fear, our feelings of inadequacy, then can’t I at least make it through the next five minutes?  And then the next. And the next.

            And although I may not want a lot next Christmas and the one thing I do need is my health, that doesn’t mean I want it more than I want what God has planned for me.  Because if someone with all knowledge offered to keep you in their care if you just trusted them wouldn’t you want that more than trying to do it on your own?